Brenna...with her mom and sister

Melissa

Now, I have to find a picture of Brenna.....

Lindsay

This is for Justin who likes to look at pictures of my pretty daughters. I'll post one of Melissa too...

I had to put my thoughts in my Blog

I really want to stop thinking about this so I'm going to put down my thoughts and then hopefully put it behind me.....and just for Brenna there will be paragraphs, many paragraphs.

Of course it's about Jean. Maybe another "letter to Jean that will never get sent , part 2"

For the last year I've had this simmering anger towards you, my "best friend". It all started years and years ago though. The 50th birthday brought it all to a head. I was in a very, very bad place when I was turning 50. I hated my job, I hated turning 50. I was really, really depressed and I told you about it. So, you forgot my birthday...your excuse being "we just moved and my mom is sick and my dad is mean". There never was an apology though and you turned things around to make me feel bad that I would even EXPECT you to remember. The next year goes by. Things aren't the same as before because I can't get over how you hurt me.....and it's not just the birthday....it started way before that.

New paragraph... Here comes my 51st birthday. I even mentioned it in a e mail because I really don't want you to forget. I get an e mail from you the weekend after my birthday "we had such a nice weekend, I helped my friend with her new drapes and we visited and ate so much and had such fun". I e mail back and mention my birthday. The next e mail from you: "I cried all the way home from my weekend because my mom is sick and my dad is mean". You turned it ALL around AGAIN to make ME feel bad that YOU forgot MY birthday AGAIN. With the same excuse as last year.

A few random thoughts: If you'd had a hysterectomy I would have sent flowers...from you not even a card. I got a few phone calls but never even asking how I was.

When we moved to Oregon you tried to make me feel so guilty about leaving MN. and leaving my family. I didn't have any choice. My husband had to work.

You were always so sarcastic and mean about any friends I ever had "Oh, they DRINK" or some other nasty remark.

You had a COW when Kerm and Jan were planning to leave Clara City. You made it sound like they were rejecting God and accepting Satan. Have you ever even been to St. Peter? It's a million times better than Clara City and because they left CC they got away from narrow minded people like you.

You were so critical of Heather and Anthony moving in together....like it was ANY of your business! Now, let me think.....who is Brian living with?? His girlfriend?

You could never be bothered to visit us in Oregon after we invited you year after year. We've been here over 17 years now. Guess what? You're not going to be invited ever again. Even to the state of Oregon. The borders are closed.

You have never, not ever complimented me on anything. I bend over backwards to compliment you on everything. The last time we were at your house I was so sweet that my teeth hurt. I had gotten a new ring for my 25th anniversary and I was very proud of it. I never mentioned it to you but you noticed it and didn't say a word.

There is so much more but I'm so sick of feeling this way. This is the most toxic relationship I've ever been in and it's going to end.

The End

Old friend

I had a thought this morning. I've always referred to Jean as my "best friend"....sometimes as "my best friend from MN." That isn't true. She's not my BEST friend she's just an old friend. When I think of it like that it isn't so awful that she never thinks of me. We can keep in touch but it's not going to be as regular as it has been. Jan had a good idea. Just respond to her e mails with "I'm really busy now but I'll write more later" and then don't. She's so wrapped up in herself that she won't even notice. Hopefully that will help with my "Jean stress" which is very unhealthy.

On another note, I'm so depressed for Brenna and for myself. Another three years that she won't be living in Portland. I'm sure she'll write about it in her blog so I won't go into details. I know things always work out the way they should and it will all be fine but why can't things ever work out the way I want them to? After all, it's all about ME or at least it should be.

Help!

So, it's been over a year that my anger towards my "best friend" Jean has been simmering. If you read my blog you will know that she forgot my 50th birthday. Guess what?? She forgot my 51st birthday too. She knows how hurt I was about the 5oth b'day. I got an e mail from her last night telling me about her fun weekend. Helping her friend with curtains for the new house, eating and visiting with all her special friends. My birthday has been on November 10 for 51 freaking years now.......we've know each other since we were in our mothers' wombs. I think my anger was going to go away if she remembered this b'day but what does it mean that she forgot this one? Do you think God is telling me to call it quits? I e mailed her last night and happened to mention my birthday so today I got an e mail saying how much stress she has in her life since her mom is sick....she's been "near death" for years now.....that's one excuse that's getting old. She's upset that about 3 years ago her dad got mad at her. She said that she was so upset that she cried last night on her way home from all the weekend fun because....STRESS....She has a way of turning things around....." I have SO much stress in my life how can I be expected to think about YOU?" So if I express any anger about this situation she makes ME feel guilty. She also mentioned that I'm so lucky to have my daughters so devoted to me. She is one sick puppy and I'm very sick of her. Lindsay tells me to just end it. Angela ( a work friend) tells me to end it. How do I end it? She'll make me feel like I'm so selfish. I don't know what to do!! Please...anyone who reads this.....give me some advice!! I need help.

Happy Birthday Surprise!

Melissa visited Brenna in NC for a few days over Melissa's birthday weekend. Melissa arrived back in Portland around 11:30 PM on Tuesday. Tom and I went to pick her up. Brenna had sent me HER itinerary for her trip to Portland next week. I kept on mentioning that we'd be back at the airport NEXT Tuesday night since that's when Brenna was due to arrive. I was waiting by the luggage carrosel thing and I saw "Melissa" coming down the escalator. I thought "wow, Melissa is looking more and more like Brenna everyday" and then I looked at the person next to "Melissa" and it was Melissa. I was tired...I had worked all day and it was almost midnight. It finally hit me that it was BRENNA! My whole family knew all about this and kept it a big secret. I don't know that I've ever been so surprised in my whole life! I didn't suspect a thing. I had a wonderful birthday (in spite of the evil Jean) with all three of my girls. I don't think Brenna has been home for my birthday since she was a senior in high school. 1995-96. You know what? Who cares about Jean....her kids don't even like her and I've got the best kids EVER!

I can't believe it!

So, some of you know that my "best friend" Jean totally blew off my 50th birthday last year and I still am bitter about it. I made a huge deal of her 50th birthday with many cards and a nice gift that I mailed to her. Her excuse was that they had moved...OK, whatever. It was very hurtful and I eventually did tell her. Guess what? No card, e card or any mention of my 51st birthday. What is up with her? I'm just not important enough for her to pay any attention to, I guess. This friendship is a habit that I need to break.

What am I grateful for today??

I passed ACLS! I studied like crazy and had major panic attacks (many). I have been obsessed with this since I started my new job in March. What on earth will I do with my free time now? It's been so much fun reading stips and figuring out which meds to give these fictional patients. FYI-Amiodorone seems to be very popular these days. And did you know all dead people get epi? I am so grateful for being done with this that it counts for yesterday and today (it was a 2 day class).

Attitude of Gratitude

I saw this thing today on TV about how we should have an "attitude of gratitude" all year long, not just at Thanksgiving. How we are all way too negative and should look for one thing every day to be thankful about and then write it down. She mentioned something about how rain makes the trees and flowers so happy or some such nonsense. It's rained 2 inches in the last TWO days!

I'm grateful that I don't live in Florida or New Orleans. That even though it's raining buckets I have a dry, warm place to sleep at night.